It Wants To Be Written

Out on my walk earlier I started to think about how trivial life is. I thought to myself, “I feel like my life is a pattern of fulfilling empty purposes”. And it really does feel that way. I can’t think of any reason that we exist to begin with.

So what IF life was just a cosmic accident that happened to bring with it existence? That’s pretty remarkable and so improbable that it just had to happen. Why? The easy answer is because if it didn’t happen at least once then it would be impossible. Or, because why not?

So there really is no point to it less the purposes we give it everyday and then I wonder why we choose the story we have chosen? If you could be the author of life, what would the story say? Where would you start? Who’s interest are you trying to get? Does it even matter and if it did matter, who does it matter to; you or me?

So why not write the story. If you can believe in magic then you assume that you can rewrite life to tell the story you think it should be. I mean, to write the future from this day forward so that the rest of life becomes purposeful if only to fulfill the words in a book.

Isn’t that what the Bible is about, fulfillment of empty promises. It’s a book that sells you an idea of epic proportions, a leveling of life that even the Tao cannot make heads or tails of WHY it has to be this way anyways. We can always just assume that the answers we think we have are the right ones. We can follow the guiding works of people who existed in a different world than the one we exist in today.

To say that we all live on Earth, I think is misleading because our existences determine everything and our existence today is a blurb. We can write words out into cyber space and hope that one day another existence will pick it up and understand a little about my era, our dimension because time is a dimension and we exist in this one. On an infinite plane full of restraints making us feel like time is indefinite while also giving us the impression that it has definition.

Why though? I had this girl ask once, “but why tho? she wrote. “Why tho?” I don’t know why. No one does and anyone who tries to tell you they know is full of shit and should never be trusted and I say that being as though I am a prophet. I mean, I happen to be the Prophet of Disappointment aka the Void and because I exist in this dimension at this time with all of you, then I know that all of our existences will meet one inconclusive end. That end being that you will never be satisfied. You will always and forever have this nagging sadness that dwells in the bowls of your heart that aches to have more, to fill the void, that space in you that always seems to be empty no matter what you put in it.

Why tho? Maybe we gave ourselves these great expectations based on the experiences that we share and all want to have. Sometimes you get a whiff of something that feels like a happiness so overwhelming that to not have that ever would be a crime against yourself and therefore you and I have decided that we MUST have love. That love is the answer and we then attribute saving the world to a magic four letter invocation that is supposed to be a cure all for the void.

Unfortunately that magic four letter word happens to be the reason we all seem to hate each other or we fight. Don’t think I am wrong because what I mean is that everyone who has the capacity to love then also knows what it feels like to be the opposite and that can be SO many things so until we have a definitive answer to what exactly LOVE is then we cannot fulfill that said “greatest achievement” that mankind can make. To make peace and love with each other. Like I said, it’s unattainable.

I feel like I am supposed to say sorry for having such truthfully ugly thoughts about a world that has shown me nothing but this aspect. I mean, it’s shown me many aspects and I feel them all with equal weight so every loss is a loss to me and every gain is a gain to me, what I can never seem to have is it all at one time, having that makes you apathetic. Yes, yes. I did it again, I made one of those impossible statements because by nature of the words themselves, they cannot work like that yet I make them work like that because to be apathetic is to have neither and that fulfills the great balance of things but it goes against what you want as a human. How very disappointing.

So where do I start with this story? Do I start off with a glimpse into my very weird childhood full of made up stories that “never happened” says everyone but me? Maybe I should start off in the middle of life somewhere with a tantalizing sex intro where you get sucked in because you want to know if I cum or not. Or maybe you want to hear about how messed up I was for having sex with more people than I can count on all my digits, how I am supposed to feel bad about them or wish I could take it all back… too cliche’ huh?

I could start off having sex with a werewolf or vampire or something religious and occultishly intriguing because it fulfills those nasty desires you all keep to yourselves about doing it with wild and crazy things that are all called the Devil’s work somewhere in history.

What IF I had a secret fantasy about fucking Jesus? Would that make me a bad person? Who would NOT want to have sex with a god? I feel like I can hear some of your prudes thinking how sinful and bad I am for thinking that you would have the best organism you could ever possibly have. I won’t lie, that turns me on just to think about. It probably turned some of you on too.

Who made up the rules on sex anyways? Not saying I disagree with most of them but when you think about it, sex doesn’t make any sense at all UNLESS you are doing to fulfill a certain spiritual purpose. I am supposed to say it’s for having babies. Sure, it works to have babies too but shouldn’t that experience be something that comes with the perks of ecstasy? Anyway. I always have a way of running things into the gutter because my mind wonders off in so many directions and what I am supposed to be doing is writing the story of life over.

I wonder if I should just make up my own version to add to the other versions that attest to each other that it happened one way and that’s it. Maybe I tell it from the plants perspective where we crown up from a plant like an Orchid to a Mantis or go with the most popular version of THE GOD who thought maybe we would be cool but then realized that we suck and tried to wash us down the drain but some asshole decided they weren’t going out like that so it grew into a cancer to destroy the Father of all gods from the inside out. Bless you.

Anyway. I don’t even know where I am going with this just yet. I feel compelled to do something though, as IF my life has a destiny and I am fulfilling that empty purpose.

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