And I Hate

Just collecting more thoughts on my walk this morning. There are so many things I want to say but I hold back in fear of what others will say. I have to continuously censor myself because my words can be offensive to some and then I wonder why I do it?

The people I try to keep my true thoughts from are family and neighbors. A few years back after Sandy Hook, I was pretty shook up. It was the one time in life where I didn’t know how to respond and it was one poorly timed action of a cop made me feel like I was an outcast in my own community.

See, it was just after another school shooting (there were so many I can’t remember which one now) that I took my kid to school wondering if their school would be next. As I was walking up to the school I saw a man with a gun on his side.

I FREAKED OUT! I literally went to the admin office and started screaming and I know I freaked people out but I was freaked out. HOW does a man walk on campus with a gun like that and no one does anything? I went to Facebook and made a video of how I was feeling because I was that upset by it.

Turns out he was a cop but I didn’t know it and he didn’t have his badge showing so I would’t have known but others knew he was a cop and because they knew, somehow I was out of line and I have forever been THAT mom. Do you even know how it feels to have the entire community looking at you like YOU did something wrong because you aren’t a gun slugging’ red, white and blue confederate who loves Trump in Trumpville?

Well since then I have really struggled to keep my “opinions” and feelings to myself. I also hate christianity for what that is worth. I hate that Jesus is their reason for being fucking assholes to the whole word. I just fucking do, okay!

But I tell you. I thought about it on my walk. Why do I keep censoring myself in fear of more retribution. It hasn’t helped a thing although all it really does is make it so my family and neighbors will still talk to me because my opinions are unpopular.

I support #blacklivesmatter because they do matter. How can that be so hard to understand? Why does it always come down to BUT THEY KILLED A WHITE MAN IN THEIR ‘PEACEFUL’ PROTEST or LOOTING IS NOT A PROTEST and I think, actually, yes it is. Looting is protest but people are looking at it superficial like they do everything else.

They see it the same way they see the color of people’s skin. Superficially. Jesus was NOT a white guy, (I don’t even know if he was ever real tbh) but regardless, he was not white and white people nailed him to a cross. HELLO.

I get so tired of being told what to do and how to feel and how to think and being shunned for not conforming as if I have a tag on me that reads “DIVERGENT”. I make everyone’s shit list unless I conform or hold my tongue. Swallow my feelings. Become hardcore. Rambo-girl. Wear a flag and a big ass gun and a bible (but you have to be white to really pull it off) and tell the world how proud you are to be an American.

People cheer. Then another picture pops up with the same thing and a woman who declares Jihad or something and the White American’s scream foul over the same damn thing just different book, different flag and different color. How can I not be mad about that?

So this is the short version of all the thoughts flooding my brain recently. The more I think on them and accept that this is what I feel, the more and more I start to realize that they finally got to me. They finally made me a hater because I do. I hate so many things recently and then I feel ashamed to say I HATE things.

I work so hard to see the light. I felt like the light. I felt like turning the other cheek was always the better way until I realized that turning the other cheek means the other side is ready to be slapped too. Life, the world, governments, people they just take their rounds on you, people like myself.

Slap her! Make her submissive. Break her down. Tear her down. Make her feel shame. Make her do what I tell her to do. UGH! I feel like I am screaming inside FUCK YOU!!! I am so tired of listening to you.

I am so sick to death of this ongoing fight that never ends. IT never ends. We come out of quarantine and the first thing that happens is another white cops kills a black man and you know what really fucked with me this time?

It was seeing his soul leave his body. I did not have to see that happen and when it did, it just did something to me. It was like a spark of fire and I want to scream BURN IT DOWN, BURN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING DOWN! Because what else can be done? Just destroy it like they keep wanting to destroy free thought, other colors, poor people… they want so much control over all of us all the time I just can’t take it anymore.

That’s not to say I am going to go out and start a riot. I am still not like that but I am saying that for the first time in my whole life, I actually do stand with the violence. I know it is somehow wrong but in the end, we always fight and I am being asked to pick a side and the more they try to force a side on me the more I start to choose and I choose to stand with those who want equality and justice NOT comfort and conformity because that road has NEVER been comfortable for me. I have NEVER been able to just sit down and shut up.

I was raised to believe and do so many different things but in the end, what I am choosing is freedom and if that means one day I will have to fight, physically and none apologetically, then I guess that’s what I have to do because what it feels like to me is “me or them” and if they are forcing the fight, when the white supreme groups are calling unapologetically for violence against Equality and Justice, the president of the United States tells the countries leaders to be more forceful, to arrest everyone, to push then down, to beat them, to force them back into their homes…

When the badge on their blue shirts is another symbol for the American version of Nazi Germany, what choice does a person really have. You either conform to them or you choose to fight and I feel like conforming isn’t actually going to do anything except maybe buy some time before they come up with another reason to get rid of you.

Can humanity ever really be free from each other? I Don’t think so. We have build a system that allows someone to rule over us like we cannot govern ourselves and although there are certain structures (laws) that are necessary to function globally and peacefully, 99.9% of them are bullshit.

The President is giving police the right to murder more of us. Not just black Americans but ultimately, if this slides too, if THIS does not change, then they will give themselves the rights to kill whomever they fucking want to because they don’t like you. They don’t like what you think, they don’t like what you wear, the color of your skin, your sexual orentations, they don’t even like when you’re poor because of THEM, they don’t like your clothes, music, cars… they will keep finding a reason to hate us for being different and because of all of that YES, I HAVE FINALLY REACHED THE POINT OF PURE HATE.

Now before you start giving me the speech about how it will pass and how I shouldn’t let these things “harden my heart”, save it. Because you’ll end up telling me that again and again until they are all gone and the only people left are the ones who hated you first.

And don’t get me wrong. It’s not the people I hate (although there are some that I do) it’s the institutions themselves. The idea that somehow you HAVE to do what they tell you even when YOU KNOW what they are telling you to do is WRONG.

And who decides what is right and wrong that all should conform to it? The one elected to office? The one NOT elected to offices? Outdated religious books? And it’s interesting to see how truly willing people are to do the bad things. To hurt others because if they don’t someone else will be mad at them and they might get in trouble.

IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. To kill someone so you don’t get in trouble or be killed because you didn’t. I didn’t make the rules, I am only the product their authority.

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