Alone With My Thoughts

I was just sitting outside for a moment alone.  It was different to notice how quiet it is.  Everything looks normal as far as things looking the same in the neighborhood except it is a lot quieter.

There have been so many times I wondered what it would sound like to have it not be so loud all the time.  There are no A/C or heaters running.  You can hear a few cars from a distance and most of them are motorcycles.

I looked up at the sky and saw only one jet plane flying.  I live near an international airport so I hear a LOT and see a lot of airplanes in the sky all day long and even in the wee morning hours that usually drive me nuts.

It’s a new moon tonight too.  I like it when it’s dark.  I mean, I like it when there is a full moon too but I like the dark.  It gives me time to think in silence and ponder the ways of the world.  I didn’t realize how much I had on my mind until I sat on a rock outside in the front yard and let myself hear what I am thinking.

I was burdened by the idea that at the moment, things don’t seem too bad but then the ugly thoughts of politics came into my mind and the realization that my upset with all governments is that they always let us down.  Time and time again, when there is a need for them to help they only do a little and that bothers me.

I started thinking about my neighbor who I could hear through the fence with his kids, half hazardly getting to work on their garden beds that they haven’t used since we moved in 9 years ago.  Why now?  Well when it feels like there might not be enough food or that something of that caliber could happen, THEN it’s time to do.

And why is that?  People spend a good amount of time not liking me very much because I am mostly self sufficient.  I believe in hard work though my efforts don’t produce a living wage.  They look at me and see a person who “has it all” except they don’t seem to get that I put the work in and I like it.

I pop over to Facebook to see what’s the scoop over there and thankfully it’s not too bad since I deleted my old account and stayed away for over a year and let the whole thing reset so I don’t see all the nonsense that get’s posted daily about how much things suck and all the hate being spread but even then, it still bends me the wrong way for some reason.

Maybe it’s all the self absorbed thoughts, the pretending to care and thinking to myself sitting outside in the dark in the quiet by myself collecting my own self absorbed thoughts, I wonder.  Is this really happening?

Maybe today I had a sobering moment.  I had my husband go to the grocery store and they didn’t have any bags of onions.  NO ONIONS!  And the produce isle was looking a little slim.  That’s not something I wanted to hear.  I tell myself that they will restock.  It’s not like people will let their produce go bad.  I just wonder.

I haven’t changed many habits because of anything save for staying home with my kids and making everything run the way they always do but what if I am too late to get the store to get food.  There were five boxes of Mac and Cheese.  5 boxes.  It would have been fine if people didn’t bum rush the stores.  This I know!  People could have gone as they normally do and everyone would have what they need when they actually needed it.

So how do I contend with that?  Do I strap on my hoarder boots and blast the market as soon as food comes in with everyone else?  That’s not me but should it be?  See, I don’t know.  If it were summer I would have what I need in my own garden.  Maybe we just go without.  That’s fine too.  I don’t absolutely need onions.  It’s a really stupid thing to be thinking about but then I think about how many times we get let down by those who are supposed to lead us and help us.

It’s not a full on distrust for government.  It’s my lack of faith in their ability to actually help when needed.  We end up depending on each other more than them but at what point does humanity say fuck it and go all for themselves?

Then I thought about Nature.  I am not a religious person.  I dare not confess my blasphemous nature to anyone on social media.  My indifference towards religion and the no god fanatics would eat me alive for wondering if Mother Nature intercedes like the Goddess she is to set things right?

Nothing else could stop the world from working but one little virus pulled out of Mother Natures bag of goodies and within a week or two everything comes to a near stop.  It’s pretty fascinating when you think about it.  I admire that.  Not that I admire disease and people dying but I admire the grace in which She can do such a thing.

There’s no arguing with her.  I believe She feels like we feel.  I mean, you don’ have to be a god to be able to feel what other people are feeling so it doesn’t sound so far fetched to believe that She feel us too and can intercede when necessary.

Some would call it coincidence but I don’t believe in coincidences anymore.  Miracles, good and bad, happen all the time.  The illusions are great because they aren’t good or bad, they just are.  Ugh, if I said something like that to my super smart friends, I am sure they would blast me with more anti- this and pro-that stuff that I don’t really feel like hearing anymore.

It’s nice in the meantime though.  I get to be with my family.  I don’t have to wake up at 5am if I don’t feel like it.  My kids can sleep in.  My husband is not waking up at 4:45 for the foreseeable future and I don’t have any place to be.  My family is happy and we are okay for the time being.

My hope is that things will get better sooner than later.  My fear was never about the virus itself.  TBH, I didn’t really care all that much about it when I heard about it while back.  I don’t follow things like that because they cause people to lose their minds. My fear with things like this is a depression and I cannot fathom any miracle in which a depression doesn’t happen and that bothers me.

I know, I know.  How poignantly selfish and inconsiderate of me to be more concerned with a depression that the virus.  But the facts are the facts.  People will die and most people will get it and be fine but a depression in an economy build the way it is today spells a disaster that I am not prepared for.  Let’s face it.  Most of us aren’t rich enough to sustain something like that.

Sorry about the ramble.  I had a lot to think about and I didn’t write nearly as much as I actually thought about.  But where can I vent?  My own blog is like the only place I can do such a thing without hoards of people charing me with their opinions and their line up of facts and the ways I should feel.

So what do I even feel?  Not much really.  At the moment I don’t feel scared or sad, maybe bored and unsure about the future and wishing there was more to binge watch on streaming.

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