I have been thinking a lot about a friend I used to have. I miss her a LOT! But I have this thing about me and I am never really sure why I do it but sometimes when I feel really comfortable with someone and feel like we are definitely friends, I start to open up about myself and tell about things that are profoundly personal to me.
I did this with my (then) friend. I don’t know why just after I tell people deeply personal things about myself, I go off the handle bars and put as much distance as I can between us. I start blowing shit up. Not literally but in the figurative way.
I suppose I feel this sense of vulnerability that I don’t like. In my head I think they know something about me and then they can use it against me and I know how badly it would hurt if people did that to me so I keep my personal things to myself so people can’t do that to me EVER.
At any rate. I miss my friend. I actually regret what I had done even though part of me thinks I did her a favor but I miss talking to her. Sometimes it takes me a while to really see straight when my feelings get in the way and I know I am definitely blinded by this part of me that puts walls up so hight that no one could ever breach them. Still I know that it is probably not healthy since I don’t actually make a lot of friends and it’s not because I don’t want them but I guess life taught me so many terrible lessons growing up that some of those things stung a lot more than others.
Still. When I think back. I did go too far. My excuses are null but it’s still a bitter truth about myself and one day I do hope to change that.