This is very interesting. Not too long ago, sometime in November or late October, I was feeling frustrated. More so than usual. I am usually very good at understanding my own emotions but there was this fiery sense in me, pent up and calling to me like there is someone screaming down at me to find something.
I couldn’t read my cards for anything as well which made me think I did not have the right deck on hand to answer my question or anyones for that matter. Nothing made sense so I blamed it on a Scorpio in retrograde with Mercury. I then purchased another deck that felt more like the right one, a darker deck because the male energy I was feeling was very intense and it was very hard to keep it under control.
Let’s move forward to the most recent events. My friend suggested that we get to know our decks better. So I asked my Universal deck first because that is the deck that I usually shy away from because when it speaks to me, it usually speaks hash and glib but truthful to the extent of a father who tells his daughter the truth no matter if it hurts her feelings or not. So doing this was enlightening because it told the same story and it doesn’t actually hate me but thinks of me in that way, like a father.
Over the summer solstice last year, I made only one request, that request, had I understood why I made it then, is relevant now. It was for the unification of the male and female to bring about harmony in my soul and in my world.
Most don’t know how often I struggle with the male god/s. My birth chart is so ruled by fire and being a strong Earth sign, you can see how the struggle is real. I am so often plagued with emotions because I cannot find the balance between the two, it’s like a dance or forbidden love that can never happen in the cosmos yet the dance continues in a love hate relationship, always vying for the power to rule the Earth yet, still you know that we could be nothing without the mother and father doing as they do.
So what could be calling to me with such strong vibes I cannot ignore it and still reluctant to accept, fully, the father, the fire, the deepest nature of my earthy self because the Moon-shines so peacefully on me, the mother who nurtures and accepts, understands and loves me without conditions. She’s my sanctuary, my retreat but even she is whispering to me, that I need to reconcile my anger for the father because my great triad has yet, only two dimensions.
I find moments when I am okay with the father. I want to love the father. I want to give in but then I am reminded of the dangers, the anger, the strife, the bitterness, the lies that have come to fruition because of the spirited nature of the male god through theology is so immensely hostile. Like a man who tries to push himself onto her without her consent, he’s going about it the wrong way.
I could never love someone like that even when I feel as though the nature of the male god is so much like myself, my polar opposite who needs to be understood but I need it on my terms. I will never give into the erroneous nature of religious indoctrination meant to force my mind into a bubble and be subjugated for what? Glory, power, numbers? I don’t and could never operate that way.
I choose freedom, liberation. I must know things intimently on the spiritual level and as much as I can in the spirit of science. I can no more choose astronomy over astrology or earth science over cosmology. I cannot choose between my children and my husband and I cannot choose between the mother and the father. WHY do I have to choose?
I asked the right question
So it was suggested that I ask my cards in the fashion of yes and no to seek out who this spirit is; is it an ancestor, is it a god, a deity, or something else, WHAT DOES IT WANT FROM ME!
Up means Yes, Reverse means no. Not the usual way to read the cards but no matter how many times I tried to get a straight answer the normal way, I come up with nothing. Even here, I asked many questions all no. Until I though to ask…
- Do you want alcohol? NO.
- My heart? YES
- What do you want from me? Mercury. I see it now. Wholeness, unity, a family…The moon, the sun, the four elements. Accept them all.
- Who are you? I won’t reveal yet it’s the one I fight against.
- What do you want? To create.
- Why me? Queen of Swords. A white queen, the other half of the double edged sword, same but different.
I admit, I am stunned and relieved. But now how do I reconcile? It is what I want but I just cannot. This love story seems the be the way of the world, the Universe and I feel them in my soul.
And just like that, alchemy keeps coming up. I put on the hat. This hat fits. This hat speaks to me, this one I understand. Am I being called to alchemy? Have I made the first step in the Alchemist journey to purify and resolve the trials of my own soul?
I take a deeper look at who I am, what I do, what I love…
- Gardening. I love nature, I love to grow, I love to see the seeds come to fruition. I could do it again and again. The gift of life all contained in a seed. It’s part of me. The beauty, the nutrients, the oils, the scents, everything you could ever need comes from the Earth and through the seed, and the cycles of the sun and moon, I can obtain what I need to live. It’s so much more than a toil in the soil, it’s like an extension of my own soul. It’s divine.
- Stones. I am a lapidary. How wonderful it is to polish a stone, to know the stone, to study the structure, the minerals, to see it to it’s truest potential, to give it a new life, to understand it’s story of creation, it’s history, what could it know, what minerals can be obtained and used? These things fascinate me, bring me peace, to take part in the process of creation, to recreate and make new again… being refined.
- Fire. So deadly, aggressive yet beautiful and alluring. I can look into the fire and see things. Why does fire speak to me? Stay away from water. It comes up so often like a warning, stay away from water. I didn’t see it then but I see it now. It’s my opposite, incompatible even though I am a fixed Earth sign. We have no future together. It’s not an omen for staying away from a pisces or actual water itself, but the water will put out my flame because my sol is fire and water makes me soft.
- Knowledge. I seek it out like my life depends on simply understanding and knowing so many things. My mind a library of bits and pieces that become relevant when needed. I didn’t choose my tag line because I thought it was cute. “Jack of all trades, master of nothing”. I cannot choose just one thing, I cannot write just about one thing. I have no niche’. I am everywhere because everything is interesting. It’s my yod to the sun. An insatiable thirst to find something. What am I even looking for? That I may never know yet because of it, I keep searching.
- Science, observation, experience. I MUST do the thing. I am not satisfied with just understand because to understand something really, I have to do it.
- Social interactions. I just observe. While I would rather not interact, I must to some degree but the way people act towards each other, other animals and plants etc., included. They’re hypnotic, chaotic, impossible, terrifying, impressive, confusing. You can love and hate them at the same time.
And if all that seems a little too crazy. The last six months or so keep telling me the same thing. “The word wants to be written”. WTF does that even mean but now I think I know. I was just reading from a book yesterday that in the eyes of the alchemist, the spirit came before creation. In Biblical speak, they believe that god created himself through the word and from nothing and in a the world of actual science and my rejection of theology, I don’t see it that way YET, in essence I DO understand that before we create anything, we first think it and before we think it, we feel it’s essense aka. the spirit.
The spirit arises in the sol/soul/void, it changes you chemically, it speaks to you in a language only you can understand. You hear it even though it has no words, you search it out in your soul, you understand what it wants, it comes to mind and you manifest it though the nature. You take the Spirit that formed in the void and bring it forward. A conduit.
Alcohol, Oil, Salt…three parts of the seed that Destiny has freed. Refine and reduced by Fire/Sun/Soul= wind, the breath of the Spirit. Brought forth by the Mother Earth/water/matter=mud, the suffering, the Lotus, a flower that grows in the mud. Fauna and Flora… the salt of the Earth.
Anyway. Enough of my mad ramblings. It’s just been on my mind that I think, through all this time, I have been searching for the Philosophers Stone, though apparent yet not, my yod to the Sun, my itch I cannot scratch. The plague of my existence yet the thing that makes me tick.
The cure-all to human existence, transmuting base metal into gold. I know it but don’t know. I can hear it but I cannot speak it. I understand it but don’t understand it. It wants to be spoken but I cannot speak it. It wants to be written but I don’t know how to write it. I bury it in words trying to manifest it. I know it in my soul but have yet to unify it. To purify it, to bring forth the halide of my soul. Suffice it to say the Philosopher’s Stone is a seed and that seed exists in all of us through our children and so on and for forth and yet it is still so much more.