Drama seems to be inevitable in life and although I try to avoid it, sometimes you just can’t because often times it’s an ethical issue and for those of us who have a conscience, it can be painfully difficult to do the right thing.
Today’s story is about a situation that happened years ago but recently came to mind when thinking about a more current situation that have/had similar outcomes because the circumstances were similar although the situation I am going to tell you about had real world circumstances that most assuredly eclipses my current one. So after you’ve read, tell me who’s the jerk.
About 14 years ago I had a friend, he was one of my very best friends and regardless of how irresponsible he was at times, I would have trusted him with my life. We were very close. We hung out probably every day for a few years and had been there for each other through breakups and other hard times.
One day he meets a girl and he really likes this one. I met her a few times, she seems like a good fit for him. She likes to skate, she’s got her own personality and generally seems like a decent human being. Seeing as though my friend was not always that responsible, he got her pregnant.
He was definitely in a panic but also happy. She was also in a panic and had all the women in his life to help her out including his mother who was not the easiest lady to please. Long story short, she decided to go back home and get help from her family. This was in another state and no matter how hard that was, I think she made the right decision.
After about, idk, a month or two my friend was telling me about how he thinks she was seeing someone new. When I asked how he would know that he showed me. Evidently he had hacked into her email account and was reading her mail. I didn’t say anything about it other than that being really fucked up and he needs to stop. I am a pretty easy going person who doesn’t find too much fault in a lot of the really stupid things people do.
Still, that was one of those things that seem to cross the line. One day she sent me an email and in it she accused me of sleeping with him suggesting that I wanted him like that, blah, blah, blah and that’s why he wanted to break up with her. After all the insults had passed I just had enough of it… being called all sorts and pretty nasty things, I told her what he did and why he might think that. That shut her up pretty quick. I didn’t read the emails myself so I don’t know what she said in them. All I knew was that he did in fact get into her mail and what he perceived as an affair because it was from another guy. Not something I would personally call a smoking gun but whatever.
I don’t think many would argue that I was the one being a jerk but then this happened. The next day or so my friend calls me livid and extremely upset because she knew and because he knew I told her what he was doing. What I didn’t anticipate was that she wouldn’t let him see their babies and cut him completely out of their lives. And YES he blamed me and several years later still did and will NEVER forgive me.
Now I felt like a jerk. That wasn’t something I saw coming nor something I would have wanted. It was a hard decision to make and it wasn’t easy to keep secret either. Had she never went bat shit on me and blamed me for it, I am certain I would not have said a thing and he probably wouldn’t have told me if he did keep spying on her private email either because I made it clear that THAT was not okay.
Was it the right thing to do to keep my mouth shut for so long? Would it have been better to call her and tell her right away and toss my friend under the bus which likely would have ended the same way? Should I have never said anything about it at all and let her use me as her scapegoat and verbal garbage bag while knowingly turning a blind eye to the fact that she was being violated?
Some people would take the position of staying out of it and minding my own business. Others would say that I did the right thing while others could have probably found a better way to handle it. In this situation, I think I did the right thing. Perhaps the Universe intentionally pushes the buttons to force a reaction. I don’t know but it happened.
And when I reflect back on it now and with my current situation 14-15 years later, I still think I did the right thing. Sure, no one likes a snitch but neither should people’s rights be violated that way either.
So who’s the jerk?