Of all the strange and wonderful things in the world, some are just stranger than others. Over the years there are a few things that happen to me ALL the time that science cannot explain away. This isn’t to say that I don’t gain understanding through science but it is to say that there ARE just some things that happen outside the realm of science.
Of those things, one of them is that I SOMEHOW manage to create power failures. I know, laugh, right. It’s a ridiculous assumption that I am somehow making this happen. I know I have seen it in movies but I live this as my truth and I cannot explain it.
Here’s the rundown. Anxiety. I have vast amounts of it and my body reacts to it. I tremble like I have had waaaaaayyyy to much coffee even when I have had none. My mind is not focused and I am all over the place feeling overwhelmed with negative energy that I sometimes cannot explain. I don’t wake up and think to myself, “today I feel like I should be anxious”.
BUT, it’s not the normal anxiety. I feel it constantly. Not every living moment of my life but I have weeks or days where I cannot shake it and when it continues on and I cannot resolve whatever it is that is causing me trouble, things break. Not any thing but things connected to electricity. I am fully aware that there is no logical explanation for it and that most would consider this just another coincidence but I started to ask myself long ago, “how many times does it have to happen before it’s not a coincidence?”
My parents always told me that I would make stuff up, that I would break things all the time but when I left home, it didn’t stop there. I walked into a post office and I was anxious about sending off some music for review. Just as I stepped up to the counter, my hands shaking of nervousness, all the computers shut down. I know, crazy right? I thought it was just a coincidence but it didn’t stop there.
Instead instances like these keep happening whether it’s the check out counter at a store or a car that would randomly stop working (and it always felt like I knew it would on that particular day) cell phones fresh out of the box, printers, coffee makers, light bulbs, computers and recently with my new bout of depression/anxiety it was my husbands water pump for his reef tank. Not just one but two pumps failed. I replaced it with a backup pump (as nervous as I was to perform what felt like surgery to his set up) and it failed too. Perhaps, which is weird, perhaps it was a physiological. At the time I really needed my husband to come home. For as independent as I am, there are times when I do really feel like I need him. So maybe, just maybe without me really knowing it, I broke it because it was the only way to get him home and he did. He came home that night. Reality check, he would not have come home for any other reason except a family emergency and that I cannot let happen. I mean, I protect my kids like it’s my life’s goal.
Moving on. I think it’s weird that random strangers can tell me about their lives. It happens ALL the time. I mean ALL the time. I cannot seem to make very many lasting friendship and people don’t want to accept my help when I offer it to them BUT on any given day, out of the blue some random person will sit next to me and then tell me what’s on their mind, what’s happened to them, how they are feeling. I don’t know why they do. I used to think that it is because I have a welcoming face but if that were the case, then why do I get snubbed most of the time when trying to make friends AND it wouldn’t be the first time that my friends have told me that I look intimidating. I don’t feel like that unless I do it intentionally. hahaha. But I shit you not, and I don’t mind and find it somehow humbling, that strangers can tell me what’s going on with them. It’s like a mini gift of sorts or maybe it’s because deep down I know that some people just really need an ear.
Then there is the shock factor. I literally get shocked A LOT. Again, it feels like it’s nervous energy that makes it happened. One year, when my last child was born, I got shocked so freakin’ much that I was afraid to get out of my car, touch the handles at the grocery store etc. There weren’t little shocks, they were the kind you could hear 10 feet away and they hurt. I left that up to weather conditions and maybe I was dragging my slippers or something but nothing changed with the weather, the shoes or how I walked, just shock, shock, shock.
I also know when it’s going to rain. My skin itches. I chalk that up to the weather too. Like I have hyper sensitive skin and it can feel it in the air like electricity gathering for a thunderstorm which would make sense if every time it happened resulted in an actual thunderstorm (although some of them are) but it’s not how it happens. My legs start itching to the point where I sometimes gauge the skin off my legs (not a lot but enough to know I broke the top layer of skin) and just like that, it rains. I can always feel the rain coming. To test it, I told it to my MIL who lives in San Diego. It was a sunny day, no rain forecasted but my skin was itching and viola, it rained and she mentioned how weird that was. Yes, I know. It is weird to have such sensitive skin.
I also seem to know when money is coming in and when it’s going out. That old wives tale about itching palms… It’s true. That one I cannot explain. And yes, every. time.
I can also feel people’s energy. Not like I feel something coming off their bodies like some sort of energy transfer and I am a succubus or something like that but I feel people deeply. I KNOW, yes I do KNOW when men are having dirty thoughts about me. I know when women are uncomfortable around me or people in general and I react to it. I blame that for being the reason I cannot stand large crowds of people and unless it cannot be helped, I don’t go to places where the potential for people invading my space is probable. I stick to walls in crowds. I don’t like to go to parties even though I actually do like them, I just don’t want to be “in it” if you know what I mean?
I feel other people’s tensions, anxieties, nervousness, sadness etc., I feel it to the point where I do cry, I do get overwhelmed and all I want to do is go home. I feel extremely sad when I see dead animals on the road. I feel extremely sad when I see a child being ignored and I DO think it’s weird that some kids look at me funny.
Also, I had a kid walk up to me once and ask me if I was a vampire. HAHAHA, except now that I think about it, it’s weird that he asked me that because as it turns out, my ancestors came from the Balkans. Hungary (Budapest), Transylvania, Bulgaria and I don’t even know how it’s possible but through doing my genealogical research on my family and couldn’t for the life of me figure out how these regions where showing up in my blood but then what shows up? An old family crest that my dad has with the Corvine bird easily identified by the ring in it’s mouth (my name comes from RING), and then today a message from someone whom I am distantly related to who sends me some random information about the Hunyadi’s? Strange? Maybe but still. Strange that a child would ask me that. Strange that I would get a message like that and strange that I didn’t know I had a distant relationship to the Hunyad’s (ie: the one who killed Vlad the Impaler).
But even weirder is how they look at me. Not all kids do it but there are a lot of them that will fix their gaze on me like they are staring into my souls. I wonder sometimes if there is something on me that they cannot look away from. Do I have a funny looking face? Why are they doing that? I cannot help but stare back, smile and think, “how lovely”. I love kids. Maybe it’s just the fact that I love kids that gives off a vibe or something that they relate to. I don’t know.
Anyway. So I got curious about this stuff. Am I a witch or something? Am I an old soul? Like, what is it? Even when it comes to the spider dreams which only show up when I feel either extremely creative or feel extremely depressed. It’s like the spider is part of my subconscious, a marker to watch out for certain feelings and to get my head clear because ahead something will happened that will hurt my deeply (emotionally) and it always does. If only I could steer clear of it but I don’t know the future.
The owl, the eagle (bird, vulture, crow/raven, hawk), the spiders, the mantis… I used to have a cricket that would follow me around no matter where I moved. I am not making that up! I moved three times and every time, there was a cricket in my room. I also had a little rendezvous with the mantis. I had a mantis that sat above my door for months. It was HUGE (YUGE as I like to say). It didn’t scare me but it did startle me when I first saw it but it never moved and if it did, it always came back. And after that, the mantis kept showing up and they loved my husband as well.
In Hawaii, the mantis was there. When I moved to the Central Valley, what do you know, the mantis was on my porch, when I moved to my new home, there it is again, on the tree. The day I moved into my house there was a dead bird in the yard. ???
I moved to the only house in the city that didn’t have cell service from T-Mobile and although that in itself isn’t too weird, what’s weird about it is that it was only my house, not the neighbors just mine and I know this because I was trying to cancel my contract and the technicians conclude that I really did have the only house that was just out of range. Go figure.
Then there’s my friends who would say that I am the funnest person to hang out with, that “the craziest shit” happens when they are with me or that I inspire them. Years later, I still get random messages from old friends who would tell me about something I said to them that made a difference in their lives when they reached a hard time or that I inspired them to keep working towards their goal. That part I love. That part makes me feel really good.
Then there’s this thing where I just know someone is going to call or I will cross paths with them. Even my bestfriend who may not know it, will call me when I am thinking about her. I always think it’s a coincidence, but when it happens I think, “weird, I was just thinking about you”. Not because it happened that one time but because it keeps happening.
And sometimes, and this part it just wishy washy wondering and could very well be something I am imagining but sometimes I close my eyes and see people like I am spying on them. I don’t know who they are. They say that we only see faces we have seen before but I always remember a face, maybe not a name but I remember the face so I don’t believe that science.
I mean, I don’t know if I am actually projecting but the people I see are so random that even for as random as my thoughts are, they are too detailed and random to be made up in my own head. And weirder still, one time I would swear that whomever I was looking at, looked back at me. Of course, that’s all just impossible to tell unless that person just showed up at my door which would freak me out to say the least but still.
Other things that aren’t so strange or uncommon to hear of are the ringing in the ears. Tinnitus they call it. While ear damage might be the underlying cause for many people, shouldn’t it just happen all the time? I have had my ears check, aside from wax build up, there is nothing wrong with my ears but then why do my ears ring? Sometimes they ring so loud it drowns out other noise. It’s not just one frequency (tone) either. They range from low to extremely high pitched. Sometimes it just a light ringing but other times the ringing will continue to get louder like someone is turning up the volume on the stereo an I just have to wait for it to subside. I think sometimes that when it happens like that, someone is arguing over me. I mean, maybe not about me but somehow I am involved. Superstitious, I know.
Perhaps I am just intuitive or something. That’s what I tell myself. I tell myself that I just observe more than I consciously think I do and I learned through observing people behaviors or little details about things and how things work and maybe I just don’t understand certain things yet but for many of them, science does not have the answer and somehow, someway, I really get the feeling that there are other things in life, spiritually, at work.
Maybe these things are lost to us in the world of technology. Maybe I am just become more adept to things and have learned without knowing that I did, the same way that aboriginals can still communicate with the Earth/Nature.
Why do I feel so tranced by the beat of the drum? Why can I feel the rain before it comes? How can I call without speaking and people will come? I hesitate to use the world witch but sometimes I think that I am. After all, magic is only what we don’t yet understand but back then, the ancient cultures understood because they paid attention, there was nothing to come between them and the Earth and Nature was the ONLY Goddess known.
Haven’t you ever smelled Autumn on it’s way or Spring before it’s hatched? I know I do and I prepare things according to the smell not the calendar. I know it sounds weird but I think it comes from being overly sensitive to things. I can smell the death of the leaves. It’s like my ole factory still remembers. I can smell the seasons and it’s actually not that weird.
Women evolved with certain hyper senses like vision and scent because it’s how we distinguished between what was edible and what was poison. It’s how we could tell the subtle differences in colors between a good berry and a bad one. We have hypertensive sense of smell because it’s how we evolved to protect our babies and women still do this today. It happens most apparently during pregnancy.
Women, especially, are highly intuitive. How many times has a man told you that you were being to irrational only to turn around and say “I told you so”. When a woman get’s a feeling about something, I think it is wise to listen. I actually don’t think these things come from a super being but they come from an intuitive instinct. We don’t always know what we are observing but yet we are, nothing enters out brain without being processed, it’s whether you now it or not that makes the difference.
I think we live in a “Man’s” world. A world that is “thought” and to try and rationalize and factorize life. To exploit it and use it for their own gain where woman (although many haven’t come to realize it yet and have adapted very well to the “man’s” world, never used to exploit resources and it feel in our nature, or at least mine, to maintain a certain balance in the world.
I see woman as the root of life. Nothing comes to being without us and it’s always the woman who clean up after the men, we are fierce when we want justice but we aren’t very good at creating wars and if given the opportunity to we would clean it all up but in the way things are going, the dark side of balance, it’s shifted because things need to be destroyed in order to be renewed.
I feel like this is where we are at in this era of life, this culture… the culture of exploitation and because of it, I think, maybe it’s also shifting back to women. Maybe I am a daydreamer, maybe I am crazy or maybe, just maybe, that thing they call “witches” are just women who are in touch with the Spirit of the Earth. Maybe because we still love the Earth and understand this IS our home we have a better grasps on certain aspects of life that others have distanced themselves from.
Maybe we can still sense it. Do you call these things weird if a culture like the Hopi are the Australian aboriginals or other cultures that haven’t left the old ways, understand it? Perhaps not but my understanding of “magik” is magical-ish because some people have retained or renewed the Spirit while others are still desperately seeking to destroy it.
At any rate. Sorry for the long read if you even managed to read this whole thing. The point is that “magic” is real it’s just not as mysterious as some would have it be and it most certainly isn’t evil. It’s just seems like magic because the Spirit of Life persist. It’s not a he or a she, it’s not ghostly being, it’s not something you can put a face to, give it a human like name and preach it in a church. At best, the only way to describe it is Nature and nature in itself is Female, hence Mother Earth, Mother Nature, Moon Child, Star Children, the Creators, the Life sustainers, the Life Givers and if you didn’t know it.
Women are also responsible for language, pottery, art, tools, agriculture… we created culture and before the invention of the male god, in every instance all things spiritual were attributed to the Goddess.