After last week, the ultimate outcome of my nervous breakdown was a total fit that resulted in breaking dishes and screaming BUT in the end, I think I actually benefited from letting it all out because I do a thing where I keep it all together all the time so that I always maintain my composure and seem to be in control of things.
I never really thought of myself like that, being in control all the time but I do try to keep from being a total crazy woman especially because I don’t like it when my kids look at me like I am insane. It’s weird too because the women that I do know all think I am some sort of “super hero” or “goddess” because they think I am always doing the right things. Clearly that’s not true but I do think I do an okay job at getting things done.
Now after I had a total meltdown, my husband and I talked about it. I put everything I was feeling on the table as simply or bluntly as possible and admitted that there are some things about being a mom and raising the kids alone 98% of the time that I do have trouble with and I don’t know how to fix it or what to do. I won’t put those details out in public but I can say that there are things that come up as a parent that will make you crazy with worry and the root of my trouble was buried but now that I have gotten it out of my system I am starting to feel like myself again. Thankfully!
To get from that low place to the content place took a lot more from me than I have had to give in a really long time so I suppose that it made sense that at some point I would lose it. Being completely open about my worries has never been an easy task for me mostly because I always feel like they are “stupid” even though my advice to others is always that whatever you are feeling is valid. It doesn’t matter how you come to have them but that you have them and they are real and should be addressed.
SO, after throwing some dishes in the sink (yeah I broke em), saying some pretty hurtful but truthful things to my husband and scaring my kids because they didn’t understand why I was freaking out over spinach (yes age also plays a role in the matter because adjusting to menopause is a bitch… I mean a total bitch), I shoveled a ton of shit (compost), let everything be dirty (I didn’t clean my house), I sat for a while, I let myself cry (because sometimes we need a good cry) and then pulled myself back together, cleaned my house, attended my garden, let things that are out of my control go, took a really long walk with my kid, ate ice cream (too much of it), sat for a while (meditation with no purpose) and started painting.
Hopefully I wont feel like that again for a good long while even though these events keep showing up (middle age crisis stuff I guess), it’s good to know that I will always be able to get passed it EVEN when it feels like it will never go away.
It’s good to be reminded that I am only human and what people put forth isn’t always the truth about how they feel and what they go through in their own lives. Also it helps that the flowers are in bloom on the trees. It’s probably the most beautiful time of the year besides Fall. And to remember that making that TRANSITION into the next phase of life isn’t as easy at it seems it should be.
Anyway. I felt like maybe I should share this because I know and have battled bouts of depression my whole life and I DO KNOW that it will always pass you just have to remember that and for any woman out there who are also making the change, you aren’t alone. It does seem really hard to find other woman my age who have gone through it. Most of the woman I have reached out to all had transitioned because they had hysterectomies plus I am on the young side when it comes to that but I remind myself that the average is an average for a reason and I went and got checked out to make sure it wasn’t something else so suffice it to say, what I am experiencing is “normal”. It’s like being a teenager again but Benjamin Button style.
Be blessed, feel good. We live life apart but still we live together.