Sometimes I go through episodes of depression. I have done it all my life and sometimes some of them take a little longer to pass. This is one of those times. To keep from stepping off a cliff (figuratively) I try to keep busy and work really hard to adjust my thoughts and for the most part it works and they pass in about a week.
This time, for SOME reason it’s taking a little longer and the usual methods of coping aren’t working. I suppose it could be stress overload, bad sleep or the weather that’s making it more difficult to pass but I am just guessing that there is something else going on with me since it’s been pretty relentless over the last year with it coming up more often than it has over the last 15.
I usually use exercise, yoga, mediation to cope and help get passed it but I just cannot seem to get over the hump. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe I am going through some sort of midlife crisis?
I am not really sure how these things go but from what I can glean, I do feel like I am trying to turn back time, I am feeling insecure about aging, I do feel irrationally terrified of death, I am not sleeping well and I feel pretty hostile and confused about the direction for the second half of my life, what I want to do with it, will I be satisfied with it, will it go as fast as the first half?
I just don’t know. I know I will eventually get passed it because it always passes with time and I have managed it for over a decade with great success so I don’t see any reason that I won’t get passed it this time but I do wonder if it’s being compounded by a midlife phase. I do feel unsatisfied, or unfulfilled and I do feel like I am trying to fill that with something and feeling like I do need to find something that will keep my interest. It sort of feels like I am trying to go against my own spontaneous nature and “settle down”.
I mean, I am settled in that I have a home and all that stuff which was a YUGE step for me seeing as though I bounced most of my life and it’s been 8 years now that I have actually settled and don’t have plans to go anywhere because for the most part I am content in that area but I feel like I am looking for personal direction.
My kids will be grown up soon enough. I realized it the other day when I got the memo on high school registration and I don’t know what I want to do with myself when they are grown up enough to not need me.
I don’t know if it’s menopause hormones wreaking havoc of me either. I have been crying a lot lately at the drop of a hat and it’s unusual for me. IT HAS to be a compilation of events that happen at this age (I look young, I know but I am over 40) that is making it harder than usual.
It must be why the tried and true methods aren’t really working. At any rate, I do hope it passes soon enough so I can get back to feeling like myself (whatever that is anymore, I don’t really know at the moment). Aside from just feeling “blue”, I also feel like I have some hostility building up and for reasons I don’t even know. The most stressful thing on my plate is a mound of uncured compost my husband got for my new garden that I cannot use as is and have to figure out how to fix it.
He is gone a lot too but that’s not even a new thing but it could have a little to do with it other than feeling like I look ugly, weight gain for no freaking reason and a tween whose attitude is so negative I don’t really feel like even being in her presence (more like she doesn’t want to be around me so whatever). Really, I just want to know that it is what I think it is and what others do to get over this.
Sorry to be a downer.