Destined For Failure

You know how you hear of those successful people who talk about how often they had failed before they became successful?  I call BS.  I have failed for almost 41 years now and still wondering when something is going to give.

Change what you’re doing, do it different, do something else, keep trying… blah, blah, blah.  I have heard it all before and for the most part, I keep it all in mind STILL believing that one day things will just work our for me, SOMETHING will go my way BUT it never does.

I try to keep a positive attituded but ultimately, the more it happens the more I start to believe that I was never meant to be successful.  Some people produce total garbage and become a success.  Others find their success for some random reason and others actually did work really hard to achieve their goals but most of us, we are just made to fail.

Okay, maybe not you but it feels like that is my destiny.  It almost feels like someone is out there purposely sabotaging everything that I do JUST so that I never become anyone and I stay put.

Perhaps others of you out there feel like you were meant for something more, like it’s just in your brain or your gut or SOMETHING but no matter what you do, you just end up in the losers corner.

This has been a bad week.  Maybe I am being dramatic but for some reason, this week is just getting to me.  That project I was working on… I worked really hard on it and I felt really proud of my work, the effort I put it and the person I was working with just flaked.  Won’t even let me know if it’s total garbage or anything.

I have adapted well to being told that my work isn’t good enough or it sucks etc., I have grown thick skin over the years of living in failure-vile but being blown off without with out even being told off or why.  That makes me mad and I just can’t seem to get passed this one for some reason.  WTF? I just wasted 10 days of my life and hours of my life working on something for someone else because I was asked for my help and I don’t even get a “sorry, it’s not what I was thinking” or “it sucks”.  Just silence, no returned calls, can’t even bother to open the file type of deal.  Yeah, I feel bitter.

Then my podcast was taken out of the Apple feed.  I suppose that one isn’t a big deal because it was never something I put too much effort into and just did if for fun or because I wanted to try it out but still, in the same week.  UGH.

Still, it’s things like this.  It’s the silence that bothers me.  I left Facebook and all that crap because no one ever read my post anyways.  In this world it literally feels like no one gives a damn about anyone but themselves where even common courtesy is a thing of the past because people just can’t be bothered with stuff like that anymore.

I start to feel like if you want to be successful at anything, you have to be a total fucking asshole or “special” or rich or have the right connections.  I don’t even have a friend.

I quite literally don’t talk to or see anyone other than my kids most days except for the couple minutes before picking up my kids that someone might talk to me.  I feel like I have an invisible sign on my head that says “stay away” or “LOSER” and everyone can read it except me.

It makes me want to cry most of the time but I keep my big girl pants buckled tight enough to keep the tears sucked in and move on with my days but some days, or some weeks it just gets to me.

There’s no outlet for me, no place for me, to place where I belong and there never has been.  I feel like I got stamped “reject” and it will never matter how hard I try, I will always get looked over, passed up, outright rejected, laughed at and hated for one reason or another.

I am sure it is not me.  I thought it was me for the longest time or maybe it is.  I don’t know.  All I know is, if there is one thing I am successful at it failing over and over and over and over again.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest because it was boiling me up inside.  I feel way better now.

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