2019

Hopes for the new year.  This year has been crazy to say the least.  Most of it came from exernal sources but those have an effect on the interenal person.  I really cannot remember what I did all year but I know it went fast.

Things that I wasn’t proud of, ghosting a person for the first time ever.  I still feel like it was necessary but it also still makes me feel like a terrible person.  I also quit Karate.  After I got my brown belt, it became clear that getting my black belt wasn’t an achievable.  Not because I physically cannot do it but because it became clear to me that at the place where I was training, in order to get the belt you also have to work there for free.  This was a concet I was fine with until I asked about it.  When I asked if the purpose was to be sure I know my material, the response was no.  It’s just what was expected.  Then I asked if it was a requirement from the Grand Master and he said no.  So really, before I decided to leave, I felt like I was being used and there are other things much more important to me like my kids where giving up that time to be there and essentially extort my time to belt up…well it really just rubbed me the wrong way for the last time.  And in that place, there were plenty of times the buisiness practices really pissed me off so I just left.  I hate that I have given all sorts of excuses and all of them true but I have always left out this part and a couple other for sake of not damaging the reputation of some people there that really are good people and run their own practices differently so by nature of being connected through the name, I just let it go and left.

I miss it for sure but I guess at my age,  I just don’t really feel like dealing with their bullshit plus, it still never offered me what I was really searching for when I decided to go which was more spiritual in nature than physical.  The physical part was easy.   Putting up with the constant bullshit and people talking about each other and just keeping my mouth shut amongst other things,  that is hard.

The bad things that happened this year was when we got totally screwed by a contractor that did work on our home when we were on vacation that costed us almost all our savings and put a strain on us like I haven’t felt in years.  Needless to say, we still haven’t gotten our fence/gate fixed and it’s the one things that we serioulsy need to get done.  But on the bright side, we got an electric water heater that we didn’t need.  Sigh…lol.

And the other sucky thing, arthritis.  Yes.  It’s been a bane to my physical well being since April.  I still don’t believe after all my trips to the doctor that she got the diagnosis right but for now, I am just sick of going just to get no answers as to HOW every joint in my body can hurt so bad and feel like they’re on fire and it’s only “mild arthritis”.  It’s more than that and somehow it IS connected to protien.  I don’t know if I developed a meat allergy, if I was consuming too much protien from all the supplaments I have taken over the last few years or if mabe I got some tick-born illness..   IDK but because the pain has often been unbearable,  I had to break from regular high intensity activity for a while and I put on ten pounds of muscle.  Good thing too, I seriously thought I gained ten pounds of fat.

And finally, Facebook.  I left it for a good portion of the year, about six months and it was really good but I also really wanted some pics and videos that I had posted there because I accidentally deleted ALL of my pics and videos from the cloud and it was devistating to me.  While I was on there trying to retrieve them, I ended up staying on there (again) for a couple months but then the video I was looking for finally popped up in my memories thingy, I screen recorded it since for some reason it would’t let me download my own video, and then deleted it permanetly.  Well, I am actually still waiting for it to be permanetly deleted but I dare not check until the perm-dele is complete otherwise it will probably start over again and I will never get away from that horrible site.

Oddly, the most unforseen consequence of deleting my account was that people got really pissed of at me.  They figured I had blocked them and that I hated them or something and so few had the nerve to just ask me what happened.   My dad was one who actually asked, thankfully.  In the end though, I don’t want to be connected to my real friends and family through social media.  I have learned through the years that once you’re there, people stop calling you because it’s too easy to just post something and then everyone can see it and you’re no longer a special person and so much gets lost communicating that way and I would rather have people call me and tell me how things are going or have actually personal communications.  The ones that actually communicate with me off of social media, those people are my friends and family who actually want to talk to me and care about me.

Now the highlights of the year were going up to see my folks in the spring.  I finally got the chance to see my parent’s new home that aren’t so new because it has been so long since I have gotten the chance to get away from home and had the money to make it happen.  I didn’t get to spend too much time but it was good to go and see my mom in Washington.  I miss her all the time but she wouldn’t know it.  She’s a typical filipino mom who insist that her kids do not love her.  She gets lonely.  That part bothers me.  At her age and in her health, loniless is not a good thing.  I wish there was more that I could do but I have to be here for my own family and these things cost a lot of money.  It’s not a cheap flight or short car ride to get home and especially not when you have to bring along three other people and a dog.  I really do not know how so many people can afford so much.  The only logical conclusion is that they must have a lot of credit card debt because we are pretty average and we don’t live a lux life and we still don’t have that much money left over every month.

I saw my dad too.  I love his home.  I really think it’s great that he is living where I always imagined he would.  Out in the woods almost off the grid with his wife just being humbled my nature, god and at peace from the everyday toils that life throws at you.  On the plus and down side, he has had a few physical troubles, some back surgeries etc, but he remains positive and he seems to be doing well although I do sense that he really does miss being active and that can take a toll on a personal emtional well being.  Still, he is a persistent human and he works through these things.  I just wish I could see them more too.  I miss my dad as much as I miss my mom and they’re getting old and it botheres me.  I won’t dwell on that though.

Vacations!  We finally got to go on our first real family vacation, not a stay-cation but a real vacation to Dinsey World.  I had a lot of fun even though it was humid as fuck and my feet were killing me and I felt busier on vacation than at home but I still enjoyed it tremendously.  I love doing things with my kids and also having my husband with us.  It really makes things perfect no matter what when my husand gets to be with us.

And I will never forget Morgan’s face when we splurged on a Harry Potter cape.  I have never, ever, ever seen her shake with that much excitment in all her life.  It really was a memory that will last forever.  Oh, and the awe in Taylor’s eyes to see the fireworks and to finally meet Tinkerbell.

We also went to see my cousin for the first time.  She’s my favorite and our kids got along so well.  She’s got a wonderful bunch of kids that I adore and she’s so down to Earth.  That’s a quality I feel is missing from so many people these days.  We also went on a mission to track down our great, great, great grandfather’s grave in another part of Florida and were fortunate enough to meet an extended family member.  To see a name to the records was really amazing.  To see the house they lived in so many years ago and to learn that that house is an historical site and our family was one of the first to settle in Florida.

While it’s not a thing that will change our lives in anyway, it was super cool to go there and see it for myself and put new faces to old names and really feel like everything that they did back then, as little as it was back then to them, was really an important event in hindsight.

SO finally, next year which is just a week away.  I am changing a few things.  Mostly it’s in way of adjusting to the woes that hurt my body and mind.  I plan to chang things up and really, again, try to return to that place that is peaceful.  Be away from social media like Facebook.  I still use Instagrahm but it’s not like Facebook, at least if you don’t read what people say and just look at what brings you happiness or peace etc., I want to keep in doing the art thing and not wory about what others will think because it’s not about them, it’s about me.  I also want to get out more.  Last year I wanted to go out to the mountains because I live so close to Yosemite but I never go the chance from all the fires.  If the mountains aren’t in the cards this year, I will make better efforts to go to the beach more.

It’s a three hour drive to the nearest beach, which sucks, but still.  As much as I like to be home, I also like to be in places that somehow make me feel good.  It’s always the road that get’s you there that is the hardest obsticle. I guess it’s a euphanism for life and one that I KNOW I need to get passed because this year, the most important things happened when I left my comfort zone and that’s how life really happens.

I DO hope it is a good year for everyone.  There’s so much happening in the world that is so negative and some of those things are beyond me to fix but require the whole world to accomplish which brings me back to something I have been thinking about a lot lately.

The bird.  It no longer matters if it was actually real or not.  The message was legit.  It said that we need to stick together and because what seemed so unreal, was so real, it means that it is still possible and I have to keep holding on to hope and doing what I can and being good (as good as I can be, I am not perfect) and staying positive and holding on to that little bit of faith, that life will get better for everyone.  I really believe that people will start to see it.  I just hope that it does’t take a total catastrophe to make people realize  that life can be a good one and we will always be better together and apart.

Merry Christmas and Happy New year to anyone who may have read this long and really boring journal entry that’s probably littered with typos and spelling mistakes but it is a journal so…

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