Frustrations

Complain, complain, complain.  I know.  I do it a lot but there seems to be a lot t complain about sometimes.  Lately though, my complaints are from feeling frustrated with so many things mostly the way people treat others.  In this case, that “other” is me.

You see, earlier this year I flipped out over a cop who I didn’t know was a cop who brought a gun to school to drop off his kid.  It was at a time when there were a lot of school shootings and I flipped out.  How else could I feel?  Did I over-react?  I don’t think so.  I think people under-reacted and it blew my mind that this city just didn’t seem to care a bit about it but what they did care about was my reaction.

People in the little town like to talk.  They don’t do it to your face but they do it behind your back and I got black listed.  This very conservative town immediatly put me in the ‘ghost’ list and the people I was at least friendly with have since given me the stink eye.  They don’t even try to hide their feelings.

I am always polite and try to be understanding but they really push the bar when it comes to adult bullying.  I try to be okay with it.  I still keep my head up and do what I do knowing full well that they think ill of me even though some of those people KNOW I would die for them regardless.

Then I got summoned to Jury duty and I worry because I don’t have anyone to watch my kids.  This town hasn’t exactly been friendly to me since I moved here 7 years ago.  I have yet to make a real friend so life gets pretty lonely and I quit trying to make friends a couple years ago when the only one that I was becoming friends with somehow thought it was okay to put me down and even yell at me like a lesser human and that’s not the kind of friend I want or need.

But things out here are so different from all the other places I have lived.  I worry that the city won’t give a shit and force me to attend even though I really don’t know who can watch my kids let alone take them to and from school.

And I find it odd that I live in a very conservative town that is more strict over the dumbest things and taxes incredibly high and still wants you to fund every single thing at the schools.  It’s the same type of people who complain about liberals being the money/tax whores who don’t see a problem with raping you in every other way.  The same people who preach Jesus but could care less about you and shun you when your own beliefs conflict with theirs.

Things like beating your dog.  My neighbor beats his dog.  I have heard it several time and my husband saw him with his own eyes.  And when I say beat, I mean it wasn’t a correctional swat, he beats the dog and my husband went and said something to them.  A couple days later the cops were there but it wasn’t us who called them not that I even know why they were there.  I didn’t ask but I could feel the daggers digging into me when being shunned from the usual neighborly greeting.

Or my other neighbors who were the nicest people to me of all the people I have met out here suddenly, they don’t even wave.  They got some new friends I guess and those friends are friends with the person who was not my friend and I know that whatever story she told them will be different from what actually happened yet, it doesn’t matter.

With my husband being away most of the time, I get very depressed a lot because I don’t get to really talk to anyone.  It’s not a new concept really.  I have spend most of my life being the odd ball but even then, at the very least I had a couple of friends who actually understood me.  Most of the time I talk to people who are completely different levels of understanding.  I am not saying that I am super smart but I know bullshit when I hear it and there are things that people say that I actually cannot believe they believe.  I don’t say anything about it.  I just nod my head.

Still, something else is eating away at me and I don’t know what it is.  Just this looming sense of unecertainty.  Maybe it’s because of tax season coming up and somehow believing we will get scewed out of the tax credit for the solar panels we just got over the summer.  Maybe it’s uncertainty with the economy or stress about my kids growing up and juggling all their things with all the other things or that this year has been our worst year in a few years where we cannot seem to save anything because somehow we keep getting bigger bills, extra bills, and nothing seems to be working out like it is supposed to.

I do my best to live truthfully and with respect to myself and others but sometimes it is really hard to keep my mouth shut ESPECIALLY when the narrative is so fucked up and constant that I just blow up and say mean things because everyday people are being mean and I am passive aggressive.  It does take a lot before I lose my patience but when I do, I just get more pissed off for the negative feedback I get.

I have hated living out here for a while but there’s nothing we can do.  It’s not like we can get a better and cheaper house or a house at all if we moved and we finally settled.  It’s just unfortunate that I have to settle in a place that has never been warm to me.  I mean, it is hot as hell out here in the summer but as far as the people go.  It’s on their lips, not in their hearts so it’s very isolating and depressing to be trapped here.

I am just waiting for an AI friend.  I think, maybe, if I had a robot that could satisfy my need for socializing but having something like that is way off.

Anyways.  Sorry for all the typos and errors.  I don’t care too much at the moment how well this is written.  I just want to get some feelings off my chest.

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