The last couple of days I have been awash with a feeling that reminds me of another time. Nostalgia or something like that is what that is. The feeling reminds me of when my first born was maybe a year old. We lived in an apartment in San Diego off Balboa ave in Clairmont.
Those were interesting days for me. I was somewhere between devotion to God on loosing my relgion altother. It was also a time when I was questioning my entire life, what I feel about God, who I am, what I am to be, how to raise a child, how to make a living, questioning what love actually is and reeling in guilt over cheating on my then husband who I would tell often that I was going to do that because it was clear to me at the time that he wasn’t really paying attention to me and too busy boosing to understand anything that was looking him in the face primarily our child.
So at that time, I figured it wasn’t really cheating since in my mind we were already done and I had already told him a few times what I was going to do. Nonetheless, after I did, well…I still felt racked with guilt because it still was wrong even though I confessed the next day and accepted the inevitable reaction to what I did.
One night I had a vision. It felt and looked more real than some mental imagery that freaked me out for a long time and my whole world was flipped. Innoncence, whatever I felt I had of it (ignorane itself) left me and I didn’t have a choice to but reevaluate my existence and that of what we call God.
I lost my religion that night. I used to be a Christian although I never really got on board with what it taught but since I grew up around it being the relgion I was most famliar with and told was the truth my whole life, in one vision everything the world had told me was the truth fell apart and I have been trying to sort it out for the last 11 years now.
Sometimes I ask myself. “Do I really believe in God?” And my answer is no. But then I find myself questioning that as well. Do I really believe that Jesus is God? The answer is no. Do I believe in something more abstract, undefied, unexplainable and in concept? Yes. For that I do. Still, when I remember back on what I used to feel for God, albeit it was never the Jesus God, I lost something else along with it that I am not really sure what it is.
Maybe it’s the mystery of what God represents. Maybe it’s the feeling of innocent love and seeing the world in a beautiful way. Maybe it was trust. It still makes me upset to think about it. To be lied to by so many people, it’s a hard pill to swallow and with me, once trust is broken, there’s no going back. I don’t give second chances even when I want to because something that bonded me to a person or thing is lost.
Trust is a vulnerable emotion. So in a sense my trust in even what I described as God, was broken even though there are parts of it that I want back. It’s like being in love and getting your heart broken. You can remember the good times and you can re-feel them as if it were alive again but it’s distant and alterted and even though you want to try again, you just don’t go back because you know it would never be the same.
That’s where I am with the idea of God even when I know (at least seem to know) that it is real even though I cannot exactly explain how it is real. It’s like that with love, isn’t it? You know what love is, at least you think you do but you can’t put an exact definition to it because it encompasses more than one idea, one feeling, one thought but there is one thing that bonds love and that is trust.
You can be let down and still have trust but you cannot live a lie and call it truth just because you were deep in a feeling akin to love. Love can be so many things but without having that cushion of trust or faith as they say, you free fall and it’s difficult to find a way back up. There’s nothing to cling to. You can’t trust them to throw you a rope. You no longer believe that they can save you and somehow even when you don’t blame them, you still blame them.
You can take certain parts and accept what role you played but if you think about trust being a life line and it get’s cut, at most, you can hang on by a thread knowing that even the slightest move in the wrong direction will destroy everything.
So why do I feel like this today? That feeling is hanging on me like it is happening again? Perhaps it’s because I have been trying to rekindle that relationship with (my god) God knowing that it wasn’t GOD that destroyed us and it wasn’t ME that destroyed us. It was something else.
Maybe it was Christianity itself but do I don’t blame Christians. I guess what I blame is what people have done to put a wedge between us. Like a woman jelous of the trust and love between her and her mate because she doesn’t have it. Crafting malicious accusations widing the bridge of doubt and sowing distrust and anger, resentment and hostility but ultimately, the damage it does to a person’s soul (in western theology) is condem it while their words speak a different tune. To save her soul, you must bring her to Christ and make her put Jesus on her lips so that she can go to heaven and their own soul can be spared their Hell for allowing someone like me to stray off their path.
And the many things they can say to explain it never stop amazing me. They have no idea how hurtful they are or what they did.
Anyway. I guess the something in the air the last couple of days has made me remember something because I have been trying to rebuild what was lost over the last 11 years hoping that that sort of truth, faith, innoncence, love, that we had before can be healed.
God. I may or may not be wrong about it. I accept that it’s a feeling, a concept, and ideal, a personal configuration and even a delusion but there is still something about it that “illuminates” a person, so to speak and that something is what brings it into existence and that is why it is real.