Return to Zen

It’s been a fast couple…few weeks lately. I have been filling up time with things to keep busy but not enough time spent on doing nothing. 

I could feel it the last couple weeks with my mind unable to rest trying to ignore sadness and exchanged that for frustrations instead. 

I know it’s true. I haven’t been quite right lately, a little off, distracted; like I didn’t have my morning coffee. 

Even this mornings yoga practice, I fell. I haven’t fallen from a headstand in a long time and I could feel I wasn’t there with it but trying to fight the distractions instead of letting them in and letting them go. 

I try not to fight my thoughts during meditation because for me, it feels easier to just let them come and go and pay them little attention until I forget that I am even thinking at all. 

Not lately. The battles I have been having in my mind are manifesting in my dreams, in clumsiness and in a desire to be things other than I am. 

It’s all wrong that way. I have relaxed very little believing that I should be busy all the time until I reach exhaustion but not after I have managed to hurt myself. 

My knee is killing me. I literally smashed it right to the hard floor, straight down with all my weight behind it. 

I kept thinking there’s bad “spirits” in my home or someone is fucking with me but I think, instead, it’s my own mind that’s the problem. 

From fabricating conversations about other people’s silly beliefs that I think are so outrageous I cannot even phantom what it must be like in that person’s head to becoming frustrated with making music instead of enjoying the art of creation. 

Chaos slips into too easily if you let it. Before you know it, you’re being frisked by retail sales people because they think you’re shoplifting and too tired to enjoy my favorite programs. 

Whatever the case, I see it for what it is and I can hopefully move on from that and get some peace back in my mind. 

I don’t know why I try to be things that I am not when it’s so much easier to be who I am. 

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