Jealousy Follows Me

I was just thinking about my relationships with other females. Everyone knows that women are vile towards each other a lot and some women scratch their heads as to why other women don’t embrace each other the way men do. 

Men have bro-mances all the time but women, you’re in at the beginning or your out. I have read that women are like that because we have some carnal instinct to bread and like lions, they want to eliminate their perceived competition even where competition does not exist. 

A while back there was a situation where I had given a friend a meditation stone as a gift out of respect. Maybe it’s the Asian in me that still gives gifts as a way to show gratefulness or I just like giving people things and sharing because that’s just how I am. 

Anyways, the girl took this very badly and thought that my intentions were to “fuck” her boyfriend.  So every time that I saw her she would give me the evil eye and women, we all know we can feel that shit even if we cannot see it. 

So eventually I decided to remove myself because my indirect presence was causing problems in their relationship although I am certain that I was just the scapegoat for their already disfuctional relationship. I was just an easy blame. 

Last night I saw her again and she STILL gave me the evil glare. I almost smiled at her because I thought it was ridiculous but didn’t because I thought it would seem too smug and spiteful and I don’t like trouble. 

It had me thinking though, about all the times women have been jealous or hated me for some reason. It’s not as though I am the only woman in the world who has been shunned relentlessly by the female species. 

Some people tend to blame it on genetics, as in attractiveness being the bane of an attractive person’s life yet I don’t think it’s quite right.  Attractiveness may play a role but there are plenty of really attractive women who do not get shunned and they are welcomed into the female den but for me, this started when I was just a kid. 

I remember the first time I was shunned. I was maybe 6 years old and I wanted to play jump rope with the other girls on the playground.  They told me that I couldn’t play with them because I looked like a boy.  

My mom recently chopped all my hair off because I wouldn’t brush it. She warned me a zillion times but one day she made good on the threat. 

So after pleading my case that I am a girl, they said that I couldn’t play because I wasn’t wearing a skirt.  I ran home and put on a skort.  That’s all I had.  I went back and they told me I still couldn’t play with them. 

In 6/7th grade, a girl named Nancy called me over to her (I thought she was my friend) in the locker room and then punched me in the face.  I never knew why she did that but it had something to do with a boy named David.  I ended up suspended even though I didn’t do anything back.  I just cried and not because it hurt but because it hurt my feelings. 

In 9th grade I had been dating a boy down the street and we were on our third year together before I finally gave it up.  Being young and stupid, I thought three years was a long time (and it still is by today’s standards) and it was “safe” to “do it”. 

Not a couple weeks later the girl down the street was in my face on the street screaming at me about this boy and how he was hers and that she was having his baby.  She really was pregnant too, might I add.  And even though I told her that I didn’t know they were seeing each other, the story went that I was a “slut” and I had “herpes”.  Ah, yes.  The many things girls can do to other girls is cruel and hurtful especially when you’re still going through puberty. 

When I went to confront this guy about it, another girl from the neighborhood was there and she told me to leave because he was her man. I went home crying because I really just gave up the goods to that boy and really thought it was “special”. 

Then she wanted to fight me.  Yes!  I know.  Why would she want to fight me?  As far as I knew,  the only thing I did wrong was believe that he was the one.  

Having been down that road before, she took a swing at me so I punched her.  I didn’t mean to knock her unconscious and I also didn’t know what to do so I left her lying on the ground on her driveway. 

That wasn’t the end of it.  My dad got a mouthful from her dad and my knuckles here black and purple but thankfully I did not get a whooping from my dad because I was defending myself. 

In my twenties I had this crazy roommate who invited all her friends to live with us rent free and trash my place.  She was a replacement roommate for another altercation that happened with my previous roommate who put a gun to my head but that’s another story. 

She had a boyfriend named Tavis.  My boyfriend at the time went to college in Riverside and I wanted to go see him but my truck was broken so he offered to take me. 

That did NOT go over well with her. She insisted that I was trying to “steal him” even when I kept telling her that she was being ridiculous.  I was so madly in love with my own boyfriend at the time that the idea of other men never crossed my mind. 

Still, she would not let it go and she got in my face, fist clenched and ready. I was actually a little scared because it was unexpected and I stood my ground. Thankfully that time it did not come to an actual fist fight.  She was a tough girl but mentally a child.  

There are probably more stories that I have long forgotten about but every time they all surface around a boy.  

So I find myself wondering if I just attract crazy people because I look too easy to hurt OR if these women’s insecurities come from the boys they choose to date? 

With my husband, it’s never come up.  He’s a very attractive man who looks like Thor who has had women come up to him and be like, “You look like a Roman God”.   But do I feel jealous?  The opposite actually.  

I feel lucky that I have a man who still gets compliments like that and he chose me like I chose him. I have seen women put the moves on him and my reaction, though sometimes a little taken aback out of audacity, is amusement. It’s also a little fun to watch his reaction. He can get a little ego brewing and play the “I’m so sexy” card which is funny to me. 

So the boys who get into relationships with insecure women who lash out at other women for sake of “keeping” what they perceive to be their “property” is likely (although I can’t be sure) because they treat them like boys instead of men and the men fall victims to this emotional debacle that sends them running or trapped because they flip the script on them. 

As a woman, I don’t think of myself as anyone’s property even in marriage, that is not my view. If it were, I would have left a long time ago. 

It took me a long time to figure out that “love” really is a chemical reaction, a mental influx of hormones that make you a little crazy which is the result of attraction even when you’re eyes disagree with your body.  

Yet, the “love” that we “think” we look for is more than attraction and chemistry, a solid relationship is built on respect and trust. 

If either of the two elements are missing from a relationship from both sides, the relationship is destine to fail and the powerful narcotic like release of hormones gets upset, out of balance and leads to depression and anger and ultimately negative feelings that won’t abate until you’ve had time to adjust. Adjust, as in, weening yourself off of drugs because that kind of love is like a drug, but also adjust your mind. 

Respect is a powerful weapon. I respect my husbands individuality and treat him as a human the way I want to be treated. I knew right away what kind of person he was when we first started dating because he said, “don’t tell me what to do.”  

When I first heard that I felt like I did something wrong but then it dawned on me that he is, in fact, a man and it’s not my “duty” to treat him like a boy who needs direction and when I saw that in myself, I understood where he was coming from.  

Trust.  Trust is easy when respect is mutual.  Have there been times where I have lent my mind to negative aspects? Of course.  But because I have a mind to think rationally and respect the person that I chose, there is nothing more to think about because I have never been give any reason to distrust. 

And finally, woman can be real bitches and I generally don’t even bother to try anymore.  If a woman wants to be my friend then they also have to respect me as well because with age, the games (even when unintentional) take up too much time. 

So what are women really jealous of?  It must be the respect and love I have for myself that they themselves have not quit figured out how to do yet.  They’re still trying gain love from the outside, like a cure when the cure is to let it go and accept yourself, be confident in yourself, love yourself for exactly who you are, what you like, do the things you want to do and let no one have the authority over yourself to dictate the way your feel.  It’s a drug. 

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