Chaos

It’s really hard to stay focused on love and beauty when our world seems be turning upside down; where reason is replaced is irrational, logic is illogical, facts for “alternative facts” and a nation that preaches it’s Christianity that shows nothing but the opposite. 

Ignorance is being applauded. Stupidity is intellectual, money is everything, the land is being stolen, the dissenting voices are being silenced, social media is being subjective, fake news is being taken as truth, science data is being purged, arrogance is being held as tolerance… 

How can I not feel sad or guilty?  I have been shut out so many times that when they want to talk to me now, I feel like I don’t want to listen to them because they never bothered to hear me. 

I feel like a jerk because I am mad at people who voted for the new president because it effects me and most of the people I know. 

I cannot get a grasps on how they can vote to silence me, subject me (and others like me) but wave to me after shutting me out believing that we are friends when I would die for them if anything or anyone wanted to bring harm to them or tear apart their families. 

It’s hard to listen to people get so upset being of curse words or others infidelity and whatnot while looking at porn, beating their wives, cheating on their families, abusing the government social systems, buying up guns and making threats to people they don’t know. 

Registering people like animals, building a wall between countries, filling the government with Oligarchs who control everything and listening to their vile comments while they also claim their goodness and authority over everyone as if we were made to be their subjects and the planet we all share is theirs to reap until there’s nothing left. 

I am already sad that I will never see the stars like they were once seen just 100 years ago. 

I am sad that I will never really know the sound of silence. 

But these people and their erroneous religions and greed and the idea they believe they are saints and I am, as I have been called a time or two, the devil. 

It’s all so unreal sometimes and I keep thinking I will wake up and things will be sane again. 

I tell myself to find something beautiful everyday and yesterday I dropped the ball. I was so distracted by the negative things going on in the world that nothing looked beautiful. 

Maybe part of me doesn’t want to acknowledge it because it’s going away so fast and I don’t want to “miss it”. 

I don’t even require much to be content in my surroundings but even then, because I live where I can afford, the pollution and allergens make me so miserable sometimes that I don’t want to go outside. 

Some days it is too hot to go outside so I have to drive three hours to find relief. 

I wish I truly had a Buddhist mind where I could be content no matter where I am but for me, the places that brings me the most peace is outside with nature where it’s flourishes aren’t my nemesis. 

They never were before and I have read several studies indicating that our effect on the Earth is causing more people to become asthmatic, more children are born with severe allergies, the air we breath is not good yet, how come so many people cannot be bothered to clean it up? 

Because they have the mentality that if it doesn’t effect them, then it’s not their concern so they continue to destroy and look away while billions suffer for their greed and irresponsibility. 

Now, I am still happy in my own way. I still am grateful for my children who show me more than they think and whose love for me back makes me feel overwhelmingly good. 

I still love going to bed. I love sleep although I don’t get much of it. 

I still love my dog whose presence and constant but annoying kisses make me laugh even though her breath is always stinky. 

I still love my husband who supports us, me, our life and even though he chooses not to see the things that I do, I know deep down the reasons are because he’s afraid  that if he acknowledged them, he’d feel an even heavier burden then he alreadys feels for the things he cannot give me. 

It’s like for our first anniversary he bought me a telescope and said he cannot bring me the stars but I can show them to you. That’s the kind of man he is and that’s what I love about him.  He can’t really fail me when I know what his heart says. 

So in this wreckless and turbulent world I have to me mindful and recognize the gratitude I have for things because it’s what really give life meaning. It’s the experience we have been give to even be alive at all and to feel (not necessarily know) what love and gratitude are that make it worth living. 

To know that I am alive on a speck of rock in the Universe that is so large it could have forgotten we even exist and the entirety of existence all done without actual time… that’s awe for me. 

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